Sam Adams Cold Snap White Ale

Sam Adams Cold Snap White Ale

It’s chilly in here! Just kidding, it was another 85º day, but it’s the first time i tried Cold Snap white ale “brewed with spices and spices added” because, as the label reminds us, “spring is on the way”. Right, so this is not the freshest bottle on the shelf. But it was only a buck in the bargain bin at a big grocery store, so what the heck?

The spices mentioned in this 5.3% alk white ale are orange peels, plums, and coriander, which is a spice that Sam Adams just loves to slip into their beers. An orangey color, and it’s not transparent, just as the label says, it eschews filtration, so it is thus. A noseful tells the same story: fruits and maybe a hint of that spice, but coriander is not very noisome to begin with, so let’s taste and see.

Yes, that’s a fruity beer alright. White ales, to me, mean Belgium. And to me, Belgium means horrifying beer. This stuff is not so terrifying, and that bit of coriander is, as i said, much more jumpy in the mouth than in the nose. I like the taste, but would never buy this one to just drink. Fruits in beers are an abomination in my sight, and Sam should know this, after i savaged him and his kin for that craptasstic Grapefruit IPA which i ended up pouring down the kitchen drain.

This tastes OK, but the fact is, that it’s not beer. It’s a wine cooler made with weak barley wine. As such, it might be good for a weak barleywine winecooler. I wouldn’t know, don’t drink crap like that. The real problem here is that they sell it as beer, so i have to rate it as a beer.

And as a beer, this is terrible. It’s waaaaay too sweet and it’s fruity not by natural hop effects but by unnatural manipulation. Ewww. As a beer, this might rate 1.6 on my scale, but there is now a standing rule in effect in my house: all Sam Adams beers get an automatic 1 point deduction until they publicly apologize for making Grapefruit IPA.

So this rates 0.6 as a beer. Sam Adams: Brewer, Patriot, Fruity Bastard.

Uinta Hop Nosh IPA

Uinta's Hop Nosh IPA
Uinta’s Hop Nosh IPA

An IPA from Utah! I didn’t think they were allowed to do sinful things like make beer in the nation of Deseret, home of the beehive, and last bastion of beehives on women’s heads. Actually, when that nutty ultra-Mormon guy, Jeffers or something, was being hunted by the FBI because god apparently told him to stockpile weapons and little girls, all his other wives had something on their heads that looked rather like a trilobite, not a beehive.

But the problems of Utah aside, here’s an actual Salt Lake beer, from Uinta Brewery, which is as difficult to pronounce as it looks. Not much info on the bottle other than it’s 7.3% alk, whew, but the picture on the label is great, like those old postcards before photoshop with captions like “Just another day on the farm in Calhoun County!” with a farmer standing next to an 8-foot tall tomato.

The color is a pleasing orange, halfway from pale and amber, and there’s no effervescing bubbles here at all, and a light head… and sure enough, this beer is virtually uncarbonated. Which kinda creeps me out. It’s like beer-ade, a hop flavored juice drink. The taste is all right, decent beer body and the hops be noshing their green teeth indeed in this pint.

Hops are strong, the beer body is solid below them, in fact the body is pretty sexy under there. Lemony notes, almost apricot if you concentrate on it. But it’s 99.9% flat, which ruins a whole lot of the good tastes here. If this was carbonated, like at all, it’d probably rate somewhere in the 7-8 range. But being flat as a jilted prom date, i have to rate this as highly unrecommended.

Maybe i got a defective bottle. The cap seemed sealed tight, i don’t know. Or maybe Utah doesn’t forbid brewing beer, only lawfully allowing beer so nasty to taste that Mormons won’t be tempted? All i can rate is what comes out of the bottle, and without carbonation, this is truly horrid. A 0.8 is all i can realistically give this beer. It’s a total shame, because i had my eye on this one on the grocery shelf for months and was really looking forward to finally trying it. Bleh.

Labatt Blue Light Lime

Labatt's Blue Light Lime
Labatt’s Blue Light Lime

Well it’s not beer. Anyone who calls this “beer” needs to be reminded that this is an alcoholish ade, not a beer. As a beer, this would be an abomination unto my sight. Fruit does not belong in beer. Sometimes hops can lend fruitish flavors to a beer, but those are hops, not fruits. So that’s where this drink stands.

But as a summery drink, it’s got its place. 4% alk and i don’t believe this is fermented like a beer, i think it’s some water with lime flavors added, then they toss in some carbonation and a touch of grain spirits. If you like the flavor of lime, you might like this. It’s like Sprite with alcohol.

On the chance i’m wrong and there is some kind of grain, rice perhaps, which is being fermented to make this stuff, then i owe it a review. As a beer it’s abhorrent and a 0.2 seems generous. But as a fizzy punchy lime-ade, then we’re talking about a 115-calorie drink with a zippy lime talent and reasonably respectable 4% alk content. Not too bad as an ade, it gets a 6.6.

Samuel Adams Grapefruit IPA

Sam Adams Grapefruit IPA, a canful of tragedy
Sam Adams Grapefruit IPA, a canful of tragedy

Oh for fuck’s sake. Honestly, who would ruin a good beer by putting fruit in it? This is America, and there’s a damn good reason why sangria is NOT our national drink. Sam Adams is trying to be edgy and cool, hey i can tolerate that from Sam after years of being the best alternative to Bud-Coors-Miller. But really, this one is a complete fucking mistake. They call this round of newer beers the “Rebel” line of IPAs. I say we quash this particular rebellion with mass executions and burn every structure in their dishonest grapefruit homeland. Sow salt in their furrows, and forced sterilization for the few children who remain in scorched Grapefruit Land.

Suspected i would not like this, but was forced to get three cans of it just so i could sample 3 other new IPAs. What a total fucking waste of aluminum this is. Alk level is 6.3% and it’s got 52 IBUs but who f’ing cares? If i wanted a wine cooler, then that’s what i’d’a bought.

Rating: 0.1, because there was once a Belgian beer i tried in the 1980s which was so terrible the memory haunts me still, as i expect the memory of Sam Adams Crapfruit IPA will haunt me well into the 2040s. No really, 30 years later and i still avoid Belgian beers.

From now on, i’ll never buy another Sam Adams beer, and will give bad reviews to the remaining IPAs in that “Rebel Pack”. Have 2 more cans of this and what should i do with them? Sure as hell can’t drink them. What a waste of money. Should i pour them down the sink or give them to someone i hate? Do i even hate anyone that much? Don’t think i do.

Before i buy any other Sam Adams beer ever again in my lifetime, they have to stop selling this Crapfruit IPA. Not only that, but Sam Adams must publicly apologize for making it. Short of this, goodbye forever to Sam Adams. Until then, i hope they go out of business and someone smears a grapefruit on the tombstone.

Fuck you, Sam.